Rrrrrawrrrr!

Pot roast

You can do this with pretty much any meat - pork, venison, drifter - but for purposes of this discussion we're talking about a beef chuck, rump or bottom round roast in the 4 - 5 pound range.

Peel and slice some garlic cloves - as many as you feel like using - lengthwise in half. Pierce the meat on all sides with a thin-bladed knife, and stick half a clove in each cut. Shove them sumbitches in deep.

Rub the meat all over with oil - any neutral-tasting oil like canola or veg will do. Now! Kosher salt and black pepper all over, and it's INTO THE PAN!

That's right, a pan. A nice, heavy-bottmed one. You're going to sear the meat first. (Avoid cast iron if you're going to cook onions in the pan - the acid can react with the iron and taste pooh.) Put the pan over a medium-high flame and let it get nice and hot. When you can't comfortably hold your hand a couple inches from the surface for more than a second or two, you're ready.

Drop the meat in - did it sizzle when it hit the pan? It should sizzle - and sear it on all sides. People used to think this "locked in" the juices. It's been demonstrated to be a bunch of hooey, but I still hear people say it all the time. What it - technically the process is known as the Maillard reaction, athankyouverymuch- does is caramelize the proteins and sugars on the surface of the meat. This results in a tasty brown crust on the meat and - more important - some tasty brown bits in your pan.

Don't sear it too long - this isn't about cooking, it's about a quick caramelization.

Remove the meat from the pan. And for the love of god use tongs. None of this savagery with forks, PLEASE. Okay, lower the heat a bit and throw in a handful or two of onions. White, brown, Spanish, doesn't matter. Sliced, diced, however you like them. They'll release a little of their water and help loosen up the yummy brown crusty things in the pan. Use a wooden spoon to nudge the onions around. Again, you don't need the onions too brown - remember, they'll be cooking a long time in the crock pot. Just start them off. Okay now, drop a couple glugs of wine - red or white, doesn't matter, whatever you happen to be drinking at the moment - into the pan and scrape around the bottom with that wooden spoon.

All right! Kill the burner and turn your attention to the crock pot. Dump a diced rib of celery along with some peeled, roughly chopped carrots, parsnips, and maybe a rutabaga or two into the bottom. Place your browned and baronial cut of beef on top of the root veg with a couple sprigs of thyme, some rosemary, and a couple bay leaves. You like tomatoes? Fine - crush a few plum or Roma tomatoes in your hands and throw them in. Pour the wine and onion mixture from the pan on top. Add more liquid - more wine, or some beef stock, or a mixture of both - until all but the top third or quarter of the roast is submerged.

Are you excited? You should be. 'Cause now it's time to put the lid in place and start the slow cooker. Go HIGH for three to four hours, or (what I recommend) LOW for eight to nine hours. If you opted for less liquid, i.e., more of the meat above the liquid line - you really should go low and slow. And no peeking!

Walk away, take a bath, compose a sonnet, drink, go cop some herb.

When the specified interval has elapsed, turn off the slow cooker and carefully remove the roast to a nice big, deep platter. Tent it with foil and give it about 20 minutes to relax. When you're ready to serve, spread some of the cooked veggies around the roast and spoon some cooking liquid over the top. You can carve, but it should be so tender you can just pull it apart with forks. Mashed potatoes or Yorkshire pudding are great with this. Or just a nice crusty loaf of bread.

You can make a nice thick gravy by straining the cooking liquid and adding it to a roux, like you did for the turkey gravy. But I just like to eat it as is. Whatever you decide, you'll be tucking into the tenderest, most flavorful cheap cut of beef you've ever known.

And maybe use the leftover cooking liquid to make a nice big bowl of egg noodle soup a day or so later.

Macaroni and cheese

Here’s the current iteration of my mac ‘n’ cheese. I tend to fuck with it periodically.

YOU WILL NEED

• Macaroni – (durr) I like Barila elbows, because they have a little more texture
• Cheese – (hurrdurr) about four cups of grated cheddar - or three cups cheddar and a cup of Gruyere - plus maybe some pecorino or parmesan. Go crazy! UPDATE: About three cups should do it. Maybe three and a half.
• Milk – a little less than four cups. Whole milk – skim will curdle when you try to simmer it. If you’re feeling really slutty you could use half and half. I use milk. I’m a health nut. UPDATE: I think two-and-a-half to three cups is a better amount.
• Flour – three, maybe three and a half tablespoons
• Butter – about the same amount. I like to cook with unsalted butter and then season as I go
• Mustard powder – a tablespoon or so
• Garlic – four or five cloves, just smashed. Don’t bother peeling them. Just make sure they’re open
• Thyme – five or six sprigs
• Italian parsley – optional, but I like it. Just tear up a few handfuls and stir it in.
• Nutmeg - about a teaspoon. Some nerds insist it has to be grated Fresh. Whatever. UPDATE: Quit fucking around. Grate it fresh
• Optional - Saute anything you think would taste good and throw it in as you build the sauce. Leeks, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes (soak 'em and slice real thin)
• Worcestershire sauce and hot sauce – a few dashes of each, to taste

WHAT TO DO

Preheat the oven to 400

Boil the macaroni in lots of salted water until it’s just barely done. It’ll cook again in the baking so you don’t want it too mushy. Drain it and rinse it under cold water. This will stop the pasta from cooking any further, which is good. And it will remove the free starch from the outside of the noodles - starch can make your finished sauce kinda grainy.

Warm the milk in a pot, and add the thyme and garlic. Give it a stir and let it simmer for about 10 to 15 minutes.

Melt the butter in a big deep skillet and wait for the foam to bubble away. Then stir in the flour and mustard powder a little at a time, stirring or whisking to avoid lumps. About five minutes should do it. Sprinkle the nutmeg on top. Now’s the time to stir in your Worcestershire and hot sauce.

Now strain the simmered milk into the skillet with the roux and stir until it’s all mixed, then melt the cheese(s) in a handful at a time. Give it a taste, and add salt and pepper if you think it needs it.

Scoop the macaroni a bit at a time into the cheese sauce until everything is combined. Add the parsley or any other mix-ins now too.

Pour the whole hot mess into a baking dish. Grate some of the pecorino/parmesan on top to make a nice crispy crust. OR – if you’re feeling really frisky, melt some butter in a small pan, and toss some panko bread crumbs in. Pour this butter/breadcrumb mixture over the noodles and then top it with some pecorino.

Let it bake until the top is brown and bubbly. Half an hour tops.